correction for Nov 29 entry

for "Elmer Fud" substitute "Yosemite Sam" (with full beard and bad teeth). *shrug* whatever. the point is the dude was serious creepy.

Talking to Janus online while we're both listening to KEXP. Talked to Fluffy this morning who was going to go see Em. In a few days Em will be in NYC. In Spring Fluffy will come here. In a month I'll be there and a little after that the best of here will be there. It just seems for a few minutes that the distance between where I am and where I've been might not be so mind-un-wrappable, heart-un-containable. It is a very sweet feeling.

subway

Elmer Fud called me Judy Garland. I bolted.

excellent

Everything I say feels wrong and I want to not be seen rather than feel seen and ridiculed, even if only feeling ridiculed. I'm a stupid there are plenty of things I don't know, Spanish for instance, and lots of important things about life. I want to cry for nothing at all besides the combination of feeling small and insignifigant while simeltaneously feeling clumbsy, bulky, like I take up too much space, like I need too much space to live outside of my head and I care too god-damned much to just go live there alone. I am trying to live as honestly as I can. Wondering if I'm keeping secrets I get suspicious of myself, search myself for anything I might have forgotten that might matter at all. The truth is though that nothing matters. And I have lived the best as I could as it seemed at any given moment and it hasn't come even close to good enough, pathetically lacking in substance actuallly. This isn't anything, I just need more sleep.

"take a stroll... streach the wings" I can't fly yet, that's kind of the point. I want to learn.

bluechit13: hi LockJawEternal: hey there suga bluechit13: :-) bluechit13: I really do think I'm just tired LockJawEternal: i'm talking to rizzle bluechit13: and all the natural things are dying for the year and thats bound to get one down bluechit13: cool bluechit13: I'll be here reading Passos bluechit13: say hello for me LockJawEternal: not gonna chat with ol' e? bluechit13: sorry, I forgot your multi-talented bluechit13: *you're LockJawEternal: both online, no stretch LockJawEternal: my fa crap is far from over.. bluechit13: I saw you walking away, lookign unpleased bluechit13: what's up there? LockJawEternal: just more and more to do LockJawEternal: less money needed this time around though, i don't know why bluechit13: well thats some blessing bluechit13: did you find your note this morning bluechit13: ? LockJawEternal: note? bluechit13: on your desk, picture side up bluechit13: *shrug* it wasn't anything LockJawEternal: read it now, ya shoulda kissed me bluechit13: would you have noticed? LockJawEternal: i saw the card, but i did not realize there was a note on reverze LockJawEternal: i would have noticed indeed bluechit13: ...Nark talked to me in the copy room and asked if either of us was leaving yet bluechit13: I said it was an ongoing discussion, I din't know what to say LockJawEternal: lol, did he really? LockJawEternal: what spurred that? bluechit13: I asked if he'd been better satisfied with our essays en masse than spread out across the semester bluechit13: we talked about that for a few then he asked if we were leaving LockJawEternal: just like that? bluechit13: well if either of us had reconsidered leaving bluechit13: there was a byway bluechit13: about if any teachers use blubooks bluechit13: I said history teachers and doloff bluechit13: talked about dolofff LockJawEternal: i still think that was the weirdest suggestion ever bluechit13: I said he was good because you knew what you were getting itnto and what would be expected of you bluechit13: to have us leave? LockJawEternal: aye bluechit13: if he hates it here and likes us it makes sense LockJawEternal: aye, i suppose it does bluechit13: I'll get out of the classes as much as I put into them and I don't want to have to get used to another school and system and place LockJawEternal: that first logic is flawed LockJawEternal: though the second bit is sound bluechit13: I'd get more out of maggie's class if I did the readings more LockJawEternal: *gasp, gasp* drumming to theese twins is hard bluechit13: I'm not getting good writing critique from anyone but you LockJawEternal: only what you get from the readings, naught to do with the class bluechit13: and for now thats bluechit13: alright bluechit13: there will be other classes next semester bluechit13: I have thad next semester bluechit13: and ceramics is cool bluechit13: and I've learned book binds bluechit13: so I've learned something LockJawEternal: lol, good looking at the bright side, beautiful LockJawEternal: we will gab later, maybe take a stroll or somethin' stretch the old wings bluechit13: a walk would be good maybe bluechit13: later LockJawEternal: later lovely, i'mma go be mute O:-) bluechit13: :-) bluechit13: :-* LockJawEternal signed off at 2:33:59 PM.

picture of my parents came in the mail with my thanksgiving plane ticket. I want to hybernate through thanksgiving in bed with a stack of non-school related books and a hot pot for tea. two pointed out all the ways my parents in our kitchen are like me or connected to me or whatever. I realize I miss our kitchen, the way even when there is nothing I want to eat there are the comfy counters and a cabinets full of teas and another of old cookbooks and a fridge covered in pictures and word magnets. I want enough room for my easel or any easel at all and enough room to spin with a paintbrush in hand. I want to skip school for a week to paint. I don't have an image burning a hole in my head or anything I just want paint, the naph. red and cobalt blue and yellow like egg yoke. they're in the drawer upstair the room isn't mine enough for painting it seems.

Talked to mom two days ago.

She wasn't okay. Bob died last tuesday. It's easier to not think about that sort of thing here where no one else knows him and nothing reminds me off him directly. Mom was sad about that and worried about money. She said that she wishes now she hadn't set up Thanksgiving in D.C. but she can't refund any of it either so it's goign to continue as planned. When she was planning it I remember asking a few times if she was sure we'd be able to afford it, etc. *shrug* I wish I could find another way to help with money. I was planning to try for an RA positison again, but as someone pointed out I'd hate it. There's no reason for them to chose me anyway. But if I got it it would help my parents alot. I have to try anyway.