purely theoretically...

It shouldn't have suprised her, it didn't really. He'd always said that he was a drifter. She said she was a troubadour. Since she was his "lover," "maybe soulmate," she'd figured that meant they could wander together, at least for a little while. He called at one o'clock on her day off. He knew it was her day off. Ten seconds: "Hello?" "Hey beautiful, gotta go. Love you. Bye." "Bye." At the time it seemed like just one of his odd, sweet, random phone calls, like the times he'd called just to say 'good morning' when she was working the early bird shift, or to remind her to tell her dad 'Happy Father's Day' from him. In retrospect however it was bigger. The thought didn't even occur to her for a day or two when she hadn't seen him online since the night before he called. Sometimes they missed nights when stuff came up or either of them fell asleep. By the third night she was considering being worried, even though their last online conversation had left her sated and worry-free. A week later she guessed he had either died on the streets or had finally gotten out of the dead-end town; hoped for the latter.

It had not rained since June.

It is raining. I am soaked. "i could do a lot of things and i do" I walked the waterfront paths through the trees and to the end of the docks. A heron & I walked carefully around each other on the end of a dock, each ready to take flight should there be any sudden moves. There were none. Maybe we were dancing. "and i've got no illusions about you and guess what? i never did and when i said when i said i'll take it i meant, i meant as is" I spun circles in the puddles in the parking lot between the old tavern and the boat launch and the old men in the bar looked away because my wet energy only made them more tired. The younger crowd did not see me go by as they glued their eyes to the television on their night out at the new sports bar where the biker bar used to be. At least the bikers used to be funny and sweet and loud. The girls closing the italian restaurant in rain slickers glared at me. The boys smoking under a corner of roof called out to me and I kept running. "i'm like a cat yeah the kind of cat that you just can't pick up and throw into your lap no, the kind that doesn't mind being held only when its her idea yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel when she is good and ready to feel it" I laughed and sang Ani Difranco lyrics into the wind and danced and spun and was alive.

Mom just called me. Bob has liver cancer. He has a 2% chance of survival. I can't imagine Kendra without Bob. I can barely remember Dad before Bob. I can't remember Bob not laughing or smiling; I can't imagine him not being around. I can't wrap my heart or head around this.

"But I fear I have nothing to give And have so much to lose Here in this lonely place Tangled up in our embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear I have nothing to give" -Sarah McLachlan

Optomitry

I sit calmly, missing essential parts. I had said that I'd like to be a bat, but I just wanted to fly, not to be blind as I am now, in a too-straight-back high chair, feet hanging off the floor by inches, without glasses, without contacts. Vision further impaired by clumps of still damp midnight as I clutch my fuzzy green rectangle with my soft-edged pink claws, tempted to open to white pages and words. Remembering I recoil from disappointment still fearing the change of the page, the smudgy gray and black horizontal lines I know they wait inside, words very absent. I remember the old days in classrooms, asked to read, demanded, hopelessly I blurred the world further with my tears, a long unanswered prayer to understand how to find letters and words in horizontal smudges. I will not open the book, not until they give me back my eyes.

topless inequality

As I shall be returning to a summer much warmer than the one I am currently suffering through I figured it was about time I check out the state's take on toplessness... "New York Law: 245.01 Section 245.01.09 - Exposure of a Person A person is guilty of exposure if he appears in a public place in such a manner that the private or intimate parts of his body are unclothed or exposed. For purposes of this section, the private or intimate parts of a female person shall include that portion of the breast which is below the top of the areola. This section shall not apply to the breastfeeding of infants or to any person entertaining or performing in a play, exhibition, show or entertainment." ...so in short I can only go topless if I have a child or am making a living by it. Thanks, but no thanks. In other news I can't figure out exactly what WA's nudity law entails, but presumably it's not usually as hot as this so the idea of going topless is seldom appealing anyway. *shrug* ...I'm not sure I'd have the guts for it anyway, but I'd like to think that if I wanted to I could. Some French feminist lawyers need to attack the NY nudity laws with a vengeance.

dream

pinned down to my bed in the night. doesn't seem like a dream. I can barely breathe under their weight. I know I can't move. I force my eyes open to look at them, to plead with my eyes since my voice doesn't seem to be work. My eyes open and I am awake. my own weight presses me into the waterbed. my own hands grip my shoulders arms crossed against my torso, gripping me down with only my own shape. I am my nightmare.