It hardly seems worth bathing anymore. I go to the lake and sweat under the sun, at the pool I sweat and come home smelling of chlorine and not sweat at all, worse. I sleep and sweat as I fight with the sheets or if I take a pill because I am too out to even pull back the covers. I go to the coffeehouse and sweat out all but the caffeine. The sun turns me pink and red, my relief comes in blue goo aloe, without it I feel like my skin will all just flake away leaving my organs on the pavement, and revealing that my nose--cute with freckles--is really quite odd. And even all that aloe can't seem to heal the little places were the bugs got me and now blood seeps out because I forget in my sleep not to itch and there are so many more interesting things to do in the day than remember to cut my nails. My hair is getting longer, as if it was not already unruly. I want to go peach fuzz but I'm afraid of fretting little Alexander when I return one week without hair. I put all my paintings up in my room to mock me--with Picasso's eyes--into words. I've been writing again finally but I'm not sure if I love them or hate them. And I'm not sure if you would love or hate them, call them merely pretty, as if it that meant they were not other things as well. ....is coming and Fluffy is fretting over a gathering. But fretting as she loves to. She knows if I let her I will let the day slip by unmentioned and unmarked. She asks what kind of food, and what people, etc. and I shrug at her. If someone will play pool with me, and Smack & Fluffy will smile, and Gale will spin tunes... even that all seems so sweet. Others are coming she said and I used to hide from them, I still don't know why. Fluffy assuming I was just being stoic does not know I still forget how to speak. But what do I care of them now? They are good people, I have nothing to fear of them, no more than ever. How do you run away from fear? If I stop moving it swallows me whole. Not that I'm afraid right now, but only because I'm not letting myself be anything at all. It's really not so hard.