If I can keep reading enough books fast enough I can force the dark thoughts to at least gather where I don't have to entertain them loudly, and if I let Eliot and Rilke recite loudly enough against the chamber walls I will not have to hear the banging at the doors. I t may not be a solution but at this point I'm willing to settle for a long-winded fix if it will keep me from tossing away all semblence of confidence on a passing thought. Why does every good thing become a height I might be inclined to jump from? I'm not gonna jump cause this once there's nothing to escape from just the fear of what may come. I've said it myself (I admit it so you can't turn it on me) you cannot live your life in fear, by which I of course meant you should not and it isn't good for you. But I've always lived that way, except the few days I can fill enough to block the doors and drown out the freezied knocking.