to X

How? How? How after all this time? I didn't speak to you & for once you knew better than to speak to me. But you were there, you just were. More than enough. I want to vomit with disgust... fear or self-loathing or whatever the hell it is you inspire. You make me hate that I have to keep living. You make me hate. Hate everything. Nothing seems good when I have to look directly at the fact that you exist. And it isn't you even. I don't hate you. The only person I've ever really hated is myself, and something about you makes my self-loathing the hugest thing in mmy whole world besides maybe how much I love E. But you taint that too. You make me feel unworth of everything even of you and if I am unworthy of you how much more am I unworthy of him?