...k, so I'm still packing, but only cause I know I still have 3.5 hours and I keep getting bored. I have however just done something very very responsible that I've been putting off since winter break: I restarted my hard drive after saving everything of any possible importance. (My dad passed me some bogus photo program to install last november that made it so my laptop wouldn't go into hibernation properly even after I uninstalled everything of it.) Bout time, I mean really who but me would put off something like that for most of a year... jeez-louise, pathetic... 'Course I am still packing so I must have some sort of monopoly on the word at this point. ...In other news I tripped over a stack of library books, slid on Neruda's 100 Sonnets across the carpet and banged my leg on the frame of my bed, the bruise that is now forming seems to be about half and inch wider than my hand and about two inches longer. Sad, just sad. ...yeah, serious lack of motivation over here. I think I'll go make some more coffee.

(practice)

Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you? I saw this, made me think of you. I'm hoping desperately that I linked it right.

Protector

The ULTIMATE personality test
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"I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself" -'talking shit about a pretty sunset,' Modest Mouse "i miss brooklyn i miss my crew let's start over i missed my cue guess i just forgot who i was talking to" -'god's country,' Ani Difranco I miss where I'm going, I miss where I've been, I even kinda miss where I am, but I still want to be gone. I just want to sleep and I can't sleep here like I did when I was more used to alone. I put CDs on loop all night so I won't miss heartbeats. I fill the bed with pillows and kick them all out in my sleep. I'm just gonna go displace blood with coffee and stay up until I fall on my own.

Driving through downtown pseudo-hippy/bohemian-definately-aged-yuppy-town in the monolithic soccer-mom mobile vibrating with the base of Brit-Indian techno and pissed-&-yelling Ani Difranco, windows rolled down, thumbs up from the bakery workers (all the workers heavily pierced). Making-faces contests with the bored children of the aged-yuppies while their parents aren't watching. Drinking hard lemonade whilst reading Hans Christian Anderson and losing to yourself at pool.

would you think me cold hearted if I said leaving books behind breaks my heart? buena vista social club is good in the mornings when the caffeine just won't kick in and I'm falling off my feet. the sweet nothings (very not nothings) still hit me like a mac truck every time.

you get what you paid for, but consider keeping the reciept

my mother's coworkers are always surprised to meet me, especially at 9am when I am still in my pajamas: boy's boxers with fish & a violently worded tee shirt (I refrain from explaining that it is the title of a book). I am not preppy or perky. somehow going out to dinner my parents are still surprised when I pair converse and a skirt, though I do almost every time. I am still not the daughter they thought they were getting. time apparently teaches nothing.

I take a deep breath and let the sigh slide the stories, the memories back, back down, where ever they go, until I need to recount them to the ones who deserve to know or until it is night and I am alone, they come then too sometimes. Socks I'm putting at the back of a drawer. I'll find a way to consider later. I just want to let the peaceful memory of his low voice wash over me, let him lend me a little restfulness.

Bob has been diagnosed with cancer. He's my dad's best friend. Kendra, Bob's wife, is one of my mom's closest friends. I can only barely remember before we knew them. I can't imagine more than once ever seeing either of them not smiling. We'd known he might have it since the fifth. Now it's certain. Bob has been really sick the past few weeks. They're debating chemo and "quality of life." ...I can't think of this in terms of anything but facts.

so good

I found a matchbox car Thunderbird. I found very pink nail polish. Now I have a tiny pink Thunderbird. If you see it drive by remember to make a wish. I will take it with me tomorrow to see my child birthday-twin and her mom. I have an Invader Zim patch for them, been hoarding it for months.

Cancer. 8-17-03 "It may be scary for you to do anything risky for fear of conflict or failure, dear Cancer. Perhaps you have tried to become invisible in different situations so that you can slip through the cracks without being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve you for a while, but acting from a basis of fear or guilt will never get you where you need to go in life. For you to achieve what you want, you need to act from a solid foundation of confidence, love, and faith."

I lay in the grass, heart pounding against the ground. I let the fear swallow me: wondering if now he will not hold me-- though somewhere in me a clear calm voice whispers, "that's not what he meant, that can't have been what he meant." I half know it is true, but also half whimper at the thought of even more nights alone, arms wrapped around; around only myself. Cold--outside & in-- as they said once, naming me Ice Queen, unwilling to give away my embrace, not even just a kiss. Somethings are never 'just.' I have always known this too well.

Janus is back. The air is easier to breathe. It is easier to smile. I can laugh at anything.

"I said what I said, but you know what I mean."

-Modest Mouse, 'Dramamine' ...just more white noise really...

stream-lining words [why not?]

16 days, give or take a few hours. I keep listening to Modest Mouse, to keep my head straight. (When I can't have Modest Mouse, then it's overly straight forward poetry or unclear fiction. It works.) I'm not sure what I'm keeping it straight from, but when it's off kilter it's less comfortable and as far as I can tell no closer to an answer at this point. I'll let it go later when I at least have some new material to chew on. For the record, possiblity or impossiblity, happiness or sadness, are all irrelevant. I just want to do my work/art/words/colors/stuff and have some good, chill folks about, after that I don't really give a damn. I like to taste my tears too, you know. I didn't expect to get this far, so lets just see where this little boat ride goes anyway. I mean I (may) only get one life, it's all anyone gets. So lets's play. "Play on." Lol & dear god below... "You go out like a riptide You know that ball has no sides You're an angel with an amber halo Black hair and the devil's pitchfork Wind-up anger with the endless view of The ground's colorful patchwork" ...a going nowhere, nowhere to go night... bowling alley? no thanks, Em. I'm tired of scenesters, scenes, how bout I go where I'm happy, but Jo is asleep and there aren't any breathing poetry readings here that I know of, and my plane isn't going anywhere for sixteen days and nine hours. Maybe should call Erin and see if I can hang with her and my child soul-twin, soon, before I go, before the child forgets me... How does everything keep coming up so simeltaneously sacred and grotesque? I want to put the world on a pedesal and it makes me want to vomit too. The duality is what I love and it is also what I hate most. "I haven't hung out with anyone 'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say I didn't feel angry or depressed I didn't feel anything at all I didn't want to go to bed And I didn't want to stay up late When youre living your life, well, that's the price you pay Whenever I breath out, you're breathing it in Whenever I speak out, you're speaking out" I keep thinking that if I could pin point when I stopped believing in some really beautiful stuff then I could figure out how to fix it. This is probably what they call growing up, but I just wanted to be taller was all. Sometimes it feels so forced and sometimes it just goes. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

'...No one has ever seen..." "Stick around, chief. You ain't seen nothing yet."

"And I said you shouldn't make facts out of opinions He said that I was right You're right I knew that I was And I'd hate to see anybody thank you But I'd like to see you fail saying thank you though I'm not sure who I am I'm not sure who I am but I know who I've been And I said you can't make everybody happy He said you'd like to at least make yourself happy though I'm not sure who I am I'm not sure who I am but I know who I've been" Sure, try if you like, I will too, but at the very least, at the end of the day, try and make yourself happy. I'll try too; both. Happiness, really, may be an impossibility, but it makes a nice dream. "Impossibility is what they call things they haven't seen yet."

She reminded me it's the silence that gets dangerous. Keep something going, movies, music, something. And I said, "yeah, I know." I do. Daydreams in an afternoon when the batteries died: Lust, then--such torture deemed unhealthy--self annihilation. We both admit it is something in us, not just the town, but the town doesn't help. On the street I dig in my pocket for my school i.d. for reassurance.

breaking eggs/knocking heads

"How long are you boiling those for?" "Ma, the eastcoaster already harassed me for how I make my eggs. Leave it be." "Does he agree with me?" "No... I don't need to argue with you too, my eggs are just fine and I haven't gotten any non-cooked food diseases yet, and I'm the only one eating them." "Maybe you need some less feisty friends to keep your head cool." "I'm only 'feisty' with you." "Would your professors agree?" "Ma..." "I'm just saying." "Jesus." "Your language." "Ugh..." Watched 'Girl Fight' today. Almost makes you want to take up boxing.

purely theoretically...

It shouldn't have suprised her, it didn't really. He'd always said that he was a drifter. She said she was a troubadour. Since she was his "lover," "maybe soulmate," she'd figured that meant they could wander together, at least for a little while. He called at one o'clock on her day off. He knew it was her day off. Ten seconds: "Hello?" "Hey beautiful, gotta go. Love you. Bye." "Bye." At the time it seemed like just one of his odd, sweet, random phone calls, like the times he'd called just to say 'good morning' when she was working the early bird shift, or to remind her to tell her dad 'Happy Father's Day' from him. In retrospect however it was bigger. The thought didn't even occur to her for a day or two when she hadn't seen him online since the night before he called. Sometimes they missed nights when stuff came up or either of them fell asleep. By the third night she was considering being worried, even though their last online conversation had left her sated and worry-free. A week later she guessed he had either died on the streets or had finally gotten out of the dead-end town; hoped for the latter.

It had not rained since June.

It is raining. I am soaked. "i could do a lot of things and i do" I walked the waterfront paths through the trees and to the end of the docks. A heron & I walked carefully around each other on the end of a dock, each ready to take flight should there be any sudden moves. There were none. Maybe we were dancing. "and i've got no illusions about you and guess what? i never did and when i said when i said i'll take it i meant, i meant as is" I spun circles in the puddles in the parking lot between the old tavern and the boat launch and the old men in the bar looked away because my wet energy only made them more tired. The younger crowd did not see me go by as they glued their eyes to the television on their night out at the new sports bar where the biker bar used to be. At least the bikers used to be funny and sweet and loud. The girls closing the italian restaurant in rain slickers glared at me. The boys smoking under a corner of roof called out to me and I kept running. "i'm like a cat yeah the kind of cat that you just can't pick up and throw into your lap no, the kind that doesn't mind being held only when its her idea yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel when she is good and ready to feel it" I laughed and sang Ani Difranco lyrics into the wind and danced and spun and was alive.

Mom just called me. Bob has liver cancer. He has a 2% chance of survival. I can't imagine Kendra without Bob. I can barely remember Dad before Bob. I can't remember Bob not laughing or smiling; I can't imagine him not being around. I can't wrap my heart or head around this.

"But I fear I have nothing to give And have so much to lose Here in this lonely place Tangled up in our embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear I have nothing to give" -Sarah McLachlan

Optomitry

I sit calmly, missing essential parts. I had said that I'd like to be a bat, but I just wanted to fly, not to be blind as I am now, in a too-straight-back high chair, feet hanging off the floor by inches, without glasses, without contacts. Vision further impaired by clumps of still damp midnight as I clutch my fuzzy green rectangle with my soft-edged pink claws, tempted to open to white pages and words. Remembering I recoil from disappointment still fearing the change of the page, the smudgy gray and black horizontal lines I know they wait inside, words very absent. I remember the old days in classrooms, asked to read, demanded, hopelessly I blurred the world further with my tears, a long unanswered prayer to understand how to find letters and words in horizontal smudges. I will not open the book, not until they give me back my eyes.

topless inequality

As I shall be returning to a summer much warmer than the one I am currently suffering through I figured it was about time I check out the state's take on toplessness... "New York Law: 245.01 Section 245.01.09 - Exposure of a Person A person is guilty of exposure if he appears in a public place in such a manner that the private or intimate parts of his body are unclothed or exposed. For purposes of this section, the private or intimate parts of a female person shall include that portion of the breast which is below the top of the areola. This section shall not apply to the breastfeeding of infants or to any person entertaining or performing in a play, exhibition, show or entertainment." ...so in short I can only go topless if I have a child or am making a living by it. Thanks, but no thanks. In other news I can't figure out exactly what WA's nudity law entails, but presumably it's not usually as hot as this so the idea of going topless is seldom appealing anyway. *shrug* ...I'm not sure I'd have the guts for it anyway, but I'd like to think that if I wanted to I could. Some French feminist lawyers need to attack the NY nudity laws with a vengeance.

dream

pinned down to my bed in the night. doesn't seem like a dream. I can barely breathe under their weight. I know I can't move. I force my eyes open to look at them, to plead with my eyes since my voice doesn't seem to be work. My eyes open and I am awake. my own weight presses me into the waterbed. my own hands grip my shoulders arms crossed against my torso, gripping me down with only my own shape. I am my nightmare.