stream-lining words [why not?]

16 days, give or take a few hours. I keep listening to Modest Mouse, to keep my head straight. (When I can't have Modest Mouse, then it's overly straight forward poetry or unclear fiction. It works.) I'm not sure what I'm keeping it straight from, but when it's off kilter it's less comfortable and as far as I can tell no closer to an answer at this point. I'll let it go later when I at least have some new material to chew on. For the record, possiblity or impossiblity, happiness or sadness, are all irrelevant. I just want to do my work/art/words/colors/stuff and have some good, chill folks about, after that I don't really give a damn. I like to taste my tears too, you know. I didn't expect to get this far, so lets just see where this little boat ride goes anyway. I mean I (may) only get one life, it's all anyone gets. So lets's play. "Play on." Lol & dear god below... "You go out like a riptide You know that ball has no sides You're an angel with an amber halo Black hair and the devil's pitchfork Wind-up anger with the endless view of The ground's colorful patchwork" ...a going nowhere, nowhere to go night... bowling alley? no thanks, Em. I'm tired of scenesters, scenes, how bout I go where I'm happy, but Jo is asleep and there aren't any breathing poetry readings here that I know of, and my plane isn't going anywhere for sixteen days and nine hours. Maybe should call Erin and see if I can hang with her and my child soul-twin, soon, before I go, before the child forgets me... How does everything keep coming up so simeltaneously sacred and grotesque? I want to put the world on a pedesal and it makes me want to vomit too. The duality is what I love and it is also what I hate most. "I haven't hung out with anyone 'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say I didn't feel angry or depressed I didn't feel anything at all I didn't want to go to bed And I didn't want to stay up late When youre living your life, well, that's the price you pay Whenever I breath out, you're breathing it in Whenever I speak out, you're speaking out" I keep thinking that if I could pin point when I stopped believing in some really beautiful stuff then I could figure out how to fix it. This is probably what they call growing up, but I just wanted to be taller was all. Sometimes it feels so forced and sometimes it just goes. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.